My Pray..

Dear God,
I'm just gonna say thank you for my Hun which You gave him now to be together with me. I feel so grateful to have him eventhough sometimes we fight and argue.

Please guide me with Your guidance and wisdom so I can be a good woman and good soulmate for him. Tell me the meaning of sincerity and willingness so I can understand him more. And teach me to love him day by day with more and more.

I hope time we have passed by and time we're gonna passed are fulfilled with love and understanding.

Thanks God for this man. Who loved me so. Not by his words, but by his reality action. Let me more to understand this. He, who are willing to try to understand me. I know he isn't the best to understand me NOW. But I know his effort. And he WILL.

I love you.

Planning

I just talk a lil with Hun about "planning". This word for him has different meaning with me. I am so well-organized people, and Hun is not. Even, Hun is very very unplanning person i've ever met. This kind of thing sometimes being a lil disagree for us. I need to lower a lil about my standard, and he also raise a lil about being more well-planned.

For me, i think like this....
Planning doesn't mean to complicating our times, but it means we RESPECT people who stay beside us and things we are doing for...  What i mean respect is you walk on your life is not only for your life. We live in this earth as a social beings. It means inevitably we are always commited to people who stay beside us, like your partner, your family, your friends, your co-workers, etc. So, when we engage them to our time, we have to respect their time too by share our plan or just a simple make a plan !

I think planning makes you know well your purpose, your goal, and your dreams, even just a very simple thing... Not everything or every cases need planning, just a little planning is enough. Cos too much planning without doing is nothing. Action speaks louder than words. But none of planning is also nothing. You won't walk into a clear direction, unless you always have luck in each of your steps.

Each of us can decide when we have to plan or not. Or we have to plan until which step. Muchmore, when we have to tell others about our plan. So, Happy planning ... :)

Dear Hun.. : Weastern

Western VS Eastern : Weastern 

Dear Hun.. 

We talked a lot about our views of life, relationship, and future yesterday. Especially you concern more about children. I am quite happy that we can share, we can argue, and we can finish our talking with nicely at the same time, esp before we go to sleep. Cos I already promise myself that if we have something to talk, it should be finish talk at the same day before we go to sleep.

Back at our topic. 

I think both of us has each past and condition which create our thought and view of our life. My situation and environment built my character and affect me to live the way I am now. I realize that what happenned in your family also affect you so lot for your view, especially about woman and it is very make sense for you to think like that.

We talked a lot about our views of smoking, clubbing, sex, future children, and etc. I feel that you were so dynamic, very open person, equal, and very "real" --so human -- who have strengths and weaknesses. And how the way we live our life now, I think life is life. It happened and I think its acceptable, even can't judge in a good/bad side. And the whole package of you, the whole package of me, good or bad, I think that's the dynamic point why we fell in love each other.



However it is, I am glad that I know you. Glad that you are my man now. Even though in some views we were not agree, I hope we can get more understanding for each other's views. Sometimes I think you are more open-minded person than me. The fact is not like that. Otherwise, now I think I am too open-minded, maybe.

Yes i know you are open-minded person. For everything you have your own idealist view, but you still can consider for each side views. That's nice. And i like that. But, for western or eastern culture, do i really too open-minded?

By the way, I am proud for the way I have my view now. Well, I don't know the right word to describe what I mean. But, I think "proud" maybe is the rightest one. Its not said that I am proud of my life because I already success or what. I even don't have anything valuable or some good achievement. But I should be proud for whatever it happened in my life, I already passed it and stand still, so that I am now. 

I just feel regret for myself, when i can't respect myself, or can't respect other people. I hope I can always respect my life and each other.

I am proud of people who have a dedication, and passion, for something then make efforts o make that thing work. I am proud of people who can stay and stand for shit happenned in their life. I don't mean that people should have bad problems in life or proud for the problems x_x. If we/they have another choice, maybe just leave so lot shit behind and try or choose the easiest way to continue life. That's absolutely true. But, i do respect for their toughness. 

When i know you more, i consider you, accept you, and love you with this kind of view. I am not looking for someone who are so perfect in all the way he is. I am looking for someone who is so damn real human so that we can together build our way of thinking, our passion, our future, even our silly life.

That's why I am proud of you, Hun :). Since the very beginning. Maybe sometimes we argue or else, but i'm sure you know my heart actually. Maybe you think I am crazy, or too naïve. But its me saying this. And I really mean it...

Hope you feel the same too.. 

Love you My Mbrutz.. XO 

Dear Babi..

Hello Babi...
My Babi-bird.. Mocca-bird...

This is monday morning, and i just came home from our little adventure. We just spent very good weekend, i think. Started at Saturday when you can wake up earlier (hahaha), then you were busy with your project, and me too going out some places. But, at night, I'm very happy to accompany you while you are brainstorming about your thinking and your project.

I don't think your project is silly or childish. Maybe some people think it is, but let us see from such a different view. I think this called self-actualization. Everyone should be ever do this. Not for judging ourself, but to respect ourself. And i think as long as we can still be responsible to some cases that we have to, that's all okay. Goodluck bird.... i know you can.... :)

Saturday midnight was my first time to see real drag race, especially in Surabaya. That was let me see more realistic sides about race, and so many people there with each different styles. Eventhough it's a race with other people, but i think it is a competition against ourself actually. And also to strengthen friendship, especially with your bros.

Sunday morning we continue to discuss about your project (And about some alien words that i never heard before... Hahaha..) But later you show me and let me know what are those looks like and how they work. Then we go see my parents for some visit, and continue to the church together with our friends. We sing along together after that, and it's nice being together with our friends.

After paused for a while, then we go talking again about some changes in your project due to some reasons until we fall asleep. And just now, we wake up a lil late, so we get a little adventure. Haha..

Let's start this week... Hope this week gonna be a good week...

Love you Bird... XO

'Sometimes' Happened All the Time

Sometimes i do really sure with what am i doing...

Sometimes i don't...

But sometimes i choose to take risk for something i'm not really sure...just because i have a strong feeling...

Sometimes when i really sure, reality told me that i was wrong, and i supposed not to be so sure about that..

And otherwise, sometimes when i least expect that, good things come..

Sometimes i am tired of trying, tired of thinking, tired to get myself direction what should i do..

Sometimes i hope i can be just 'flowing' and laid-back person, with least expect anything..

Sometimes i hope i can be not so serious to see things.. not always 100% when i do something..

Maybe that just for rescue my heart than feel so hurt inside..

And...

I am not hoping for people understanding me... cause i think this problem just little problem of my mind... which is complicated i made by myself, i think. Some REAL problems still a lot are awating there... I need to divide clearly...and not to overburden people around me.... cause that will made them sad too.... and i don't want they sad....

This time, i just want to stay silent, do nothing, no expect, no effort, que sera sera.....

..........

This post is just the short version from my draft post.

It's 22.52 PM.
Today seems everything not going alright. I am very bad mood today. Maybe it all started in my mind. and my feeling. And i can't tell anyone bout my feeling. Even i am trying, but i can't finish. Seems no one have time to hear my heart till i finish talking.

I am very sad now. I feel so alone for myself. And no one can understand me perfectly, since i know everyone has their own problems. But, i am so tired to swallow all my shits alone. I feel lost inside myself... I need a change.. a breakthrough... but.. i don't know.. I just feel sooooo alone.

God, i am so stressed. Please count on how many times did i cry today.....till now.....
Everyone can't understand what i feel.... but at least, You understand... and please... help me to tell them...

Letter for Me : I am Okay...

Dear Me,

I am talking to you to keep strong in this damn crazy house. Even though i have tons of crazy little problems everyday, and every hour, even every minute when she is around. Or maybe he is around. Or maybe they are around.

I used to say to myself that i can wait until the time i leave this house. Good things come to those who wait. I always said like that. But this time, i came to a point that i can't handle myself anymore. I don't know how long do i need to wait. I don't know what am i waiting for. Or even i don't know what am i doing right now.

I feel lost inside myself. And no one can help me out.

I can't trust anyone. I can't have any expectations to anyone.

It's so hurt inside my heart... while i can't detailing my heart to anyone... while no one seems can understand what i feel...  And i know everyone has their own problems..

I know, i always said like this when i came to this point. Then after cooling down for a while, i will said to myself, it's okay, it's okay. And i will back to normal. Maybe this "usual" will repeated again and again. But i just want to explode what am i feeling right now.

I hope i can quickly say i am okay. 

I am okay.

I am okay.

Damn, i am okay.

I know i can through it. This time i still can. Yes, i can. Thinking a while, Realize a while. I know what am i waiting for. I still have this strong of patience, coz i know its worth to be waited for.

Well, put a smile. :)

Life goes on.................

-Xia

My Blog is "Online" Now

Well....
Finally, my blog is ONLINE now. Online for my Hun. x_x.

Before this, he doesn't know anything what i wrote in this blog. Coz this blog seems like a trash bin only for me. I finally told him about this blog about two weeks ago. I feel so relieved, and i am glad i told him. I don't know if he will read this blog again or maybe forget bout this blog :p, but i am glad he can read and know everything about me. Cause, i would like to know (not read- coz Hun doesn't have any blog) everything about Hun too.

After such things, i really feel moreeee comfortable with Hun. I think both of us are learning more and more how to understand each other. How to love each other. And that's nice. Thanks for our good cooperation, Hun ! Haha..
Love u xoxo

Note : However, i need to keep writing to balance my mind and release my *always* complicated thinking. x_x

Friday Noon Talking

Today is friday. Well, finally it's friday. Last week, friday till Sunday  i had a very nice trip to Bandung (I'll write it later---). And this week was quite nice too. I went to movie with Hun, sleep at Hun's house, and have some pretty nice hangout with my besties.

But, some things keep playing in my mind. About my family, my family's working stuffs, my trading which is not so good this week, and a lil thinking bout myself. When i always thinking like this, i used to feel alone and need someone to comfort me. Hmm, I miss my Hun. Miss him so much.

I can't explain clearly what do i mean with this "miss". Maybe not just miss his time to be with me, but more than that, i miss my comfortable feeling when he's there. When he share his things to me, and me too, when we just do things together which is only both of us did and knew, even that was so simple. Miss some sweet talks with Hun. And I miss when we appreciate and feel every moments.

Sometimes, i'd just like a kid. I'd just want to cry and hug him. Feel comfortable there.

I really don't know the point what am i writing right now. I think its' pointless. Yeah, maybe it just a non-sense kiddie talks.