Muuuucchh...

There is a moment when you hope that time can stop and capture that forever... Lately, there were a lot of that feelings happened to some moments. I had a bad week with Prut  2 or 3 weeks ago. Me, my stupid careless emotional mouth, and our fight. Feel bad about that.
But that was a turning point for me. I realized i have to be more mature, and not so selfish. I admit my fault, i feel very regret, and really really don't wanna do that again. I renew my own commitment to myself about Prut and this relationship.
After that, i dunno.... I feel very value every time i spent with Hun. Treasure every happy moments and don't wanna break it. More respect Hun's says. And feel much deeper Hun's care and love to me.
Sometimes we share our fear about our future. Prut tell me how i meant in his eyes, and through all of these.
Yeah, actually it's been more that our one year already, and i flash back...there were quite lot things we spent together through the times.

We like to spend our time cuddling each other. It feels good and comfy. Love to hug u tight. This week i'd just feel much muuucchhh moment that i treasure so much. I miss all those moments, and hope it stays forever. Just u and me, without shits around us, to sharing life each other together.... I fall in love with you everytime i remember all those moments..again...and again...

In front of you, and maybe us is dark..thinking when will that shits end...but i hope you stay strong...for us... As i do....for you.... Cause i know how worth is ours, to be waited and hoped...

Love u....always...

Teach me...

God.....please....teach me how to be patient...how to care...how to obey....how to share....how to listen...how to be nice......
and how to love......
For my every single day......i always see her like that......i don't want to be like her....

Just teach me how to be in Your way, for my life and people who stay in my life, and my future....

See, saw, seen

See what you supposed to see, and don't see what you don't supposed to see. Cos when what doesn't supposed to be see is seen already, you can't deny your heart that you haven't saw it.

And you started to know too much and think much, imagine much and comparing much too....

People said...if what you see by the eye doesn't please you, then close your eyes and see from the heart. Because the heart can see beauty and love more than the eyes can ever wonder...

*wirc*

Trust

It's not easy to always see her in front of me. While my mind can always going crazy thinking this and that. I started to be used to, or maybe i learnt to be used to, is the exact word to describe.

I am struggling, sometimes not feeling comfortable too. But i have to conquer myself, esp. my too much thinking brain.

Just believe love. Believe my trust on you. It built already since she came recently. Just like the same trust to you that i had when i get close to you at the first time.

Trust you means have a faith on you. And will never give up with you, never lose you. I believe in you.

I love you...

Promise

Mbengpruttt...
I am crying now while i am thinking our relationship right now. These days i am not too happy and made us not always in good mood. Maybe some are your fault, and some are my own thinking or feeling too much. Then today we talk a lot based on my own bad feeling.

Fact is i dont want to lose you :'( :'( :'(... damn so much...  Sometimes i do hate you so much when you are sooooooo damn "mbencekno". But i still dont want to give up. Still dont want to lose you. Really.....

Thank you for your effort to me. I appreaciate so much. Maybe i cant see or always complain, but i can feel and i want to trust you. Through the good times and bad times i dont want tolose you. Hope you feelthe same with me. Sorry if sometimes i was very childish and like to be angry .
Keep today promise , and i'll prove it to you that i dont want to lose you, even just in my imaginatin.

Thank you for today. Thank you for yesterday. Thank you for the last 2 days. You have been so patient to care me and face my childish. I do feel really grateful for that....Love you....

First Sunday on May

Thanks God for still put this love both in our heart.. Please guide us, bless us, encourage us,and make us complete for each other more and more..

Cos two is stronger than one, especially and just because the two is us..
I love you..

Her

I don't know if i write this, i am right or not. Maybe people will think i am crazy or selfish or maybe for some eastern people i am insolent. But i really can't stand anymore with HER.

She, i know, try to do all things nice to me. She think about me and my life. She care with me. She want me to be happy, or anything nice things like that. But she forgot how to be a good wife, good mother, and good person.

In the other side, she take control of everything in this house. Still okay if her control is right decision. But, she always made a bad decision. In some cases, i know and i am grateful for everything she did to me. She allow me to go to club, she allow me to go travelling, etc. But, I regret so much that i can't have my own life normally just because of her. 

I can't have my normal house, can't have a normal family, can't have a normal habit, can't choose what job i like, even can't simply choose my own little step. Just because of her. 

I feel like crying when i see how she act to us, how she can be so cruel, so strong, so selfish to this life.

But, i hope, give up is none in my dictionary.

I need to make a clear borderline, how i have to respect her, but she is who she is and i am who i am.

Keep trying..

Keep going..

I can...

You said : The price of liberty...

God, please let me learn and value about this relationship. Guide us within Your way, to get through this with Your best solution...

I never thought, even once, that he is a mistake for me. He let me learnt lot bout life. I am still hoping for the best bout this relationship. Still hoping that he will be my future... I  am sorry if maybe i asked too much. Hun, I don't mean to push u to the corner, or put our relationship to the corner...

Hope you just understand that my heart really value this relationship...

Remind Me

I just made a promise to myself while the last day i was in Bali. And i think i need to write it down, just to remind me again and again. I am just a human who have a sincere heart to love my Hun, but sometimes i can feel lost, i can forget my goal. I deeply apologized
So let me remember, that i do promise to MYSeF to support Hun bout his cardream. Thats
me my ownself said that, cos i know what does it means for Hun. So, i need to understand that suport means i have to give Hun spaces for he doing this things and also with his friends. I have to trust him, put away my insecure feeling, and put away my too-MUCH-thinking.

I have to appreciate what Hun really trying to do his best to me. I have to have a big heart to think positively, and much more listen or obey Hun's. I dont want to make Hun more stress with my ridiculous small problems or even problems with my mind.

 Let me manage my mind and distribute it better. Lord please bring peace to my heart... amen.

My Pray..

Dear God,
I'm just gonna say thank you for my Hun which You gave him now to be together with me. I feel so grateful to have him eventhough sometimes we fight and argue.

Please guide me with Your guidance and wisdom so I can be a good woman and good soulmate for him. Tell me the meaning of sincerity and willingness so I can understand him more. And teach me to love him day by day with more and more.

I hope time we have passed by and time we're gonna passed are fulfilled with love and understanding.

Thanks God for this man. Who loved me so. Not by his words, but by his reality action. Let me more to understand this. He, who are willing to try to understand me. I know he isn't the best to understand me NOW. But I know his effort. And he WILL.

I love you.

'Sometimes' Happened All the Time

Sometimes i do really sure with what am i doing...

Sometimes i don't...

But sometimes i choose to take risk for something i'm not really sure...just because i have a strong feeling...

Sometimes when i really sure, reality told me that i was wrong, and i supposed not to be so sure about that..

And otherwise, sometimes when i least expect that, good things come..

Sometimes i am tired of trying, tired of thinking, tired to get myself direction what should i do..

Sometimes i hope i can be just 'flowing' and laid-back person, with least expect anything..

Sometimes i hope i can be not so serious to see things.. not always 100% when i do something..

Maybe that just for rescue my heart than feel so hurt inside..

And...

I am not hoping for people understanding me... cause i think this problem just little problem of my mind... which is complicated i made by myself, i think. Some REAL problems still a lot are awating there... I need to divide clearly...and not to overburden people around me.... cause that will made them sad too.... and i don't want they sad....

This time, i just want to stay silent, do nothing, no expect, no effort, que sera sera.....

..........

This post is just the short version from my draft post.

It's 22.52 PM.
Today seems everything not going alright. I am very bad mood today. Maybe it all started in my mind. and my feeling. And i can't tell anyone bout my feeling. Even i am trying, but i can't finish. Seems no one have time to hear my heart till i finish talking.

I am very sad now. I feel so alone for myself. And no one can understand me perfectly, since i know everyone has their own problems. But, i am so tired to swallow all my shits alone. I feel lost inside myself... I need a change.. a breakthrough... but.. i don't know.. I just feel sooooo alone.

God, i am so stressed. Please count on how many times did i cry today.....till now.....
Everyone can't understand what i feel.... but at least, You understand... and please... help me to tell them...

Letter for Me : I am Okay...

Dear Me,

I am talking to you to keep strong in this damn crazy house. Even though i have tons of crazy little problems everyday, and every hour, even every minute when she is around. Or maybe he is around. Or maybe they are around.

I used to say to myself that i can wait until the time i leave this house. Good things come to those who wait. I always said like that. But this time, i came to a point that i can't handle myself anymore. I don't know how long do i need to wait. I don't know what am i waiting for. Or even i don't know what am i doing right now.

I feel lost inside myself. And no one can help me out.

I can't trust anyone. I can't have any expectations to anyone.

It's so hurt inside my heart... while i can't detailing my heart to anyone... while no one seems can understand what i feel...  And i know everyone has their own problems..

I know, i always said like this when i came to this point. Then after cooling down for a while, i will said to myself, it's okay, it's okay. And i will back to normal. Maybe this "usual" will repeated again and again. But i just want to explode what am i feeling right now.

I hope i can quickly say i am okay. 

I am okay.

I am okay.

Damn, i am okay.

I know i can through it. This time i still can. Yes, i can. Thinking a while, Realize a while. I know what am i waiting for. I still have this strong of patience, coz i know its worth to be waited for.

Well, put a smile. :)

Life goes on.................

-Xia

期待我的时候

心情有点儿不好啊。。
谁会了解我现在的烦恼。。。
其实我真的希望只有你会了解的。。。

我希望是我会全部一个一个随时随刻跟你讲我的心情。而我也知道你有你自己的烦。关于我的工作，我的爸妈哥，还有其它的。我本来希望有了你，我会尽快离开我现在的家。然后开始我们想要的生活。但我知道你有你的困难所以每办法尽快把那个愿望变成真。我也会了解的。因为那个是很重要的事。所以我们开始之前约好了是我要等你。

其实刚才我的好朋友说他今年要结婚，心里有点不安。让我想一想我自己 ：“我呢？”

我知道你爱我。我也是有同样的心。我知道我们是一起珍惜和努力这个爱情的事。所以为了我们的这个缘分，珍惜我们的感情，珍惜我们的约定，最后是为了珍惜我觉得很值得的你，我还要跟我自己说要忍耐要跟加爱你支持你。希望有一天你会懂我这个的心，也会懂我的努力。

希望我没有白白的等待。希望我的忍耐会有完美的结果。

爱你。。。

Two is Stronger Than One

Yesterday, i'd just passed my valentine which is actually so nice and special. We didn't have a romantic candle light dinner or how the people usually describe about. We just stayed at Hun's house. Eat just some noodle and fried rice at dining room so casually. Then we watched DVD, and take time together. I love the time when it just two of us.

But, a lil misunderstood came, and we responsed  not so nicely. Moreover, i became thinking too much. Well,  i feel sad about that and i hope  we can try to understand each other synchronize better next time..

I'd like when we can share each other feeling, but i know Hun just can't be like that. He likes to show me the way he love me with his crazy things to make me laugh n a lil bit mad / angry. And also, i read my blog "Dear Honey" to him.. (he doesn't know that post before). Maybe i expect him to say something sweet just to response me nicely. But, his character is just can't be like that. So, he just said some plain words bla bla. When it happened, i feel he was soooo damn "i-hate-you-so-much". Somehow i think bla-bla-bla, why he always like that, make jokes from me, and can't tell me what he felt. Feels insecure. Hiks.

After a few moments, i rethink again. Well, actually i know already. I understand already, how is my Hun's character. And i can't push him to be what i want. I should be so grateful for however he is now. Then, suddenly i smile... Thinking all the sweet moments with him. Maybe it just can't be as smooth as all the way i want. But, i know he tried already with his own ways, and he means it. And later i like it. Coz, those are Hun's way to prove his caring and love to me.

I love when we ate together at his dining table, and we set our food together. I love when he always take my heavy bag. I love when he was so shy to tell me what he "want". I love when he hug me from my back. I love when he stare at my eyes with silent just enjoy our moment. I love when he always tickle me just to make jokes and laugh from me (even actually i can't hold anymore hahaha). I love when he act stupid and crazy. Maybe i love too when he said that i am fat, my cheek is so big, etc. He was so rare to tell me that i am beautiful or kind like that, even he always do the opposite words. Yeah, but that's his caring way..

However, i used to explain, to describe what am i feeling. Nicely. Seriously. Like this. And the fact is Hun isn't like that and can't be like that. So, i don't want to always complain about that. I understand it (wrote it five times i think --___--;;). Loving him just how the way he is..

Sometimes, it doesn't need any words to show your love. Its name is trust. Each other.
Hold on our hands together. Coz two is stronger than one.
I love you, my Hun....

Happy Valentine to dear all of you..♥♥♥..

Sealed Mouth

I think it's better for me to always keep quiet, huh? When i talked my feelings to you, i hate when the answers just only "yes..", "sorry...", or you even afraid your answer gonna make me angry. You always said to me to express what am i feeling, so that you know. Then i am trying to be open to you. After you know, what will you do? "I don't have any words to say..... i don't know.....". WTF is that answer !! Can't you just a lil trying to say some nice words? I think, next time i better not saying nice words to you, than i feel disappointed if you didn't response nicely.

I'm tired for always trying to be nice to you, while you don't try that when i'm mad. I need your response, your love, your expression, your total effort to try to be nice to me. Not just try nice once, then if i don't react like what you want then you go keep silent and nothing again. I'm tired to always control my emotion, just because to avoid we fight. Coz when i tell you bla bla too much, i know you maybe gonna think too much too, then it will change your attitude to me, or maybe your feeling to me. And i don't want that happened. I don't want to feel that i am the only one who trying to love you with so much effort, while you are sooooo damn nothing..... That's make me easily to feel insecure.

I hate when you can't try to be nice to me, while you said you already nice to me. Most of all, i hate myself to always say "Well, it's ok...", then i am thinking that maybe you have many reasons why that was happened... bla bla... I always said to myself  "Okay... it's ok.. he also nice to me..." bla bla... Then my heart suddenly seems fine. 

Like this time too.

I need to be understood. Too.
Well............ i am okay..... nothing happened..... You fine? I fine.
Nice.

What are you thinking now?

00.42 AM.. *as usual* late night...

I had a very nice weekend last week. Actually the whole last week was quite nice. I like the time when i sleep overnight in Hun's house. We do nothing special, just ordinary activities and accompany him in his wok things till we go sleep. But, it made me feel so special since no other people can do like this to you. I feel it's so nice when i wake up in the morning the first i see is you. (Eventhough very very hard to wake you up -___-;;).

Then, we went to Hun's friend wedding party. The party wasn't so special. The special thing is i can feel Hun's sincerely heart to take me out thereband we met some important people there. I told you already, he doesn't like to explain a lot bout his feeling. But i can feel what is he trying to do.

After that, well it's already friday !! TGIF ! And goes to Saturday. Pretty nice weekend, like people always said. We prepared ourself together before we go out, then we went to eat some foods then we watched movie. End the night with goes to club just both of us. I like that for this time. And, sunday night we went to our best friend's birthday party.

It's already monday again today. And suddenly so many things come up in my mind. Thinking bout you, Hun. Today i feel you are tired and kind of thinking something while we were go out together. I was wondering what are you thinking, but i don't want to bother your mind, i thought you must be so tired. Are you thinking bout your work, or bout our relationship, or you just tired?

You are sleeping now. You know that i'm so easy to feel unsecure.. I'm thinking bout our relationship. -__-. And suddenly i just miss you so much. Miss your presence. And just wanted us to be together, doing things together, doing works together, doing anything with each other presence. But, i am afraid if only me feel like that, and you don't :(. Do i hope too much for our relationship? Or actually you feel that also? Or shouldn't i think too much bout this relationship and just go on - see how will the end be?

Or maybe i'm just too serious person? I used to think things seriously, and think long forward. Shouldn't i? Hope for less, then disappointed less too...

Still the same, love you honey..

Need to explode something

Just 3 days ago, i wrote so nice things, then today i write again not in a good-mood condition.

I still don't know what things really make me angry. Hmm, maybe not angry. Just... a little..... disappointed, or maybe.... not feeling good.
Still don't know too what is the real problem between me and my mind. Coz i can't get our things out of my head. Well, .... i rethink,...is that my mind a problem? Or you and your own character is the problem?

Please, i say to myself. I can do it. Even he isn't really deeply care with my feelings? I'm okay. Or even he can't share everything with me? I'm okay too.

I think again, actually there's no so much problems. But, i don't know why, i just feel that i was only one of your....robot....? I think i make my mood due to your mood, which is sooo moody. When you are happy, you'll be nice to me. But, when you have a problem, you keep quiet and don't want me to know. But, you wish that i know and i can understand. How can?

So, instead of fighting, I keep silence to everything, and i am tired. Why? Coz you always right. I told you what i feel, then you must always have a reason for that. After a fight, then you will say "I am tired of fighting" (seems like you are tired go on with me, and it hurts).

I keep encourage myself. I can do it. We can make this relationship works. It's all just need time. And need my understanding to you and your life.

I say to myself that...

Everytime we quarrel n fight about some things, I get know you better and better. And I thanks God for that. Eventhough I know I had my stupid mouth. Well, Sometimes it's make us going down, or sometimes it's going up. Sometimes I am afraid, sometimes I become trust you more. But later I learnt so many precious lessons from it, and I want to understand you more n more.....

But, sometimes i'm tired. Tired of our fighting. Tired of trying to understand you more, while i think you don't understand me. We had some difference in our thoughts about "love" concept. And somehow i get afraid and feeling unsecure, when i know about your thinking, eventhough maybe that's the fact. 

When you share to me about your friend's lovestory, which is 'not so serious to a woman then after some stupid things they became serious' and you said that's just a story you wanna share. Eventhough i don't want, i may think that you-are-like-that. Then you said that you are slower than me to make sure about your feelings and our relationship. Well, i know that thing actually so damn common and real. But, when i think more about that, i just can't really accept that.

At last, I keep encourage myself and keep learn more and more because i want this thing works. I know, To make it works, it all needs effort and commitment.. I don't know how deep you are to me, but i do as much as i can do.. I try my best and i don't expect much from you.. So that i won't be so disappointed..

I love you, and i want to love you...

Bye-bye Song

Yen-J 嚴爵 Yan Jue New Album 2011- A Good Things  好的事情 Hao De Shi Qing


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lB7z9J1G6A&feature=player_embedded
休  息 是  为  了 走  更   长    的 路
xiū xi shì wèi le zǒu gèng cháng de lù
你 就  是  我 的 旅 途
nǐ jiù shì wǒ de lǚ tú
都  是  因  为  你   我 一 直  漫  步
dōu shì yīn wèi nǐ   wǒ yì zhí màn bù
想    要  跟  你 一 起 走  到  最  后
xiǎng yào gēn nǐ yì qǐ zǒu dào zuì hòu
但  我 遗 失  了 地 图
dàn wǒ yí shī le dì tú
谁   给  谁   束  缚   谁   比 谁   辛  苦
shuí gěi shuí shù fù   shuí bǐ shuí xīn kǔ
爱 到  深   处  才  会  领   悟
ài dào shēn chù cái huì lǐng wù

好  的 事  情     最  后  虽  然  结  束
hǎo de shì qíng   zuì hòu suī rán jié shù
感  动   十  分    就  有  十  分  满  足
gǎn dòng shí fēn   jiù yǒu shí fēn mǎn zú
谢  谢  你   是  你 陪  我 走  过  那 些  路
xiè xiè nǐ   shì nǐ péi wǒ zǒu guò nà xiē lù
痛     是  以 后  无 法 再  给  你 幸   福
tòng   shì yǐ hòu wú fǎ zài gěi nǐ xìng fú

好  的 事  情     也 许 能   够  重    复
hǎo de shì qíng   yé xǔ néng gòu chóng fù
感  动   时  分    就  算   纷  纷  模 糊
gǎn dòng shí fēn   jiù suàn fēn fēn mó hu
不 要  哭   至  少   你 和 我 记 得 很  清   楚
bú yào kū   zhì shǎo nǐ hé wǒ jì dé hěn qīng chu
爱   是  为  彼 此 祝  福
ài   shì wéi bí cǐ zhù fú


When you stay alone, somehow your brain will always think and think. Endless think.. Yesterday, i finally realized that me and my-ndut is already done. Over.
I need to move on. I can't stay foolish like this always and anymore.
Then, i say to myself to wake-up now. I go write some BBM to him, tell what i'm feelin that time.
We spoke nicely, finish it all clearly, and just save some moments in our deepest heart.

I heard this song, and i think it represent what i'm feeling to you.
Then, You and i, both of us, let us find our happiness with our own way
Wish u all the best, ndut :)

I close this page in my book already, start now... n i'm ready for my next chapter..