Don't really understand

What is a commitment really meant? What is a willing really meant?  What is a patience really meant?

Her

I don't know if i write this, i am right or not. Maybe people will think i am crazy or selfish or maybe for some eastern people i am insolent. But i really can't stand anymore with HER.

She, i know, try to do all things nice to me. She think about me and my life. She care with me. She want me to be happy, or anything nice things like that. But she forgot how to be a good wife, good mother, and good person.

In the other side, she take control of everything in this house. Still okay if her control is right decision. But, she always made a bad decision. In some cases, i know and i am grateful for everything she did to me. She allow me to go to club, she allow me to go travelling, etc. But, I regret so much that i can't have my own life normally just because of her. 

I can't have my normal house, can't have a normal family, can't have a normal habit, can't choose what job i like, even can't simply choose my own little step. Just because of her. 

I feel like crying when i see how she act to us, how she can be so cruel, so strong, so selfish to this life.

But, i hope, give up is none in my dictionary.

I need to make a clear borderline, how i have to respect her, but she is who she is and i am who i am.

Keep trying..

Keep going..

I can...

You said : The price of liberty...

God, please let me learn and value about this relationship. Guide us within Your way, to get through this with Your best solution...

I never thought, even once, that he is a mistake for me. He let me learnt lot bout life. I am still hoping for the best bout this relationship. Still hoping that he will be my future... I  am sorry if maybe i asked too much. Hun, I don't mean to push u to the corner, or put our relationship to the corner...

Hope you just understand that my heart really value this relationship...

Remind Me

I just made a promise to myself while the last day i was in Bali. And i think i need to write it down, just to remind me again and again. I am just a human who have a sincere heart to love my Hun, but sometimes i can feel lost, i can forget my goal. I deeply apologized
So let me remember, that i do promise to MYSeF to support Hun bout his cardream. Thats
me my ownself said that, cos i know what does it means for Hun. So, i need to understand that suport means i have to give Hun spaces for he doing this things and also with his friends. I have to trust him, put away my insecure feeling, and put away my too-MUCH-thinking.

I have to appreciate what Hun really trying to do his best to me. I have to have a big heart to think positively, and much more listen or obey Hun's. I dont want to make Hun more stress with my ridiculous small problems or even problems with my mind.

 Let me manage my mind and distribute it better. Lord please bring peace to my heart... amen.

Past...

Time flies so fast. Every things happened accompany our journey to grow older, just to make us a better person, a stronger person, and we learnt a lot from that. Even that bad things or good things. Bad things happened NOT to be regrettable, but to be a milestone to push us better ahead. One day, we have to smile and thanks for that.

Kind of Relationship

It's quite a time since my last post. Last month seems i am very often to post. But this month not so intense.

Well,  somehow i just really like to think. And think. And think. Hun said i am thinking too much, and i should stop doing that. When some 'too much' appears, i should immediately shut that thing off. I am trying and sometimes it works. But sometimes when it just too spinning around in my head, i can't stop thinking.

Just like now.

Actually i don't know what am i feeling or thinking or what is bothering me right now. Not so. Yesterday i had some conversation and made me thinking about people's relationship. When i see people around me, i just automatically analyzing their relationship and get the good or bad point from that.

First couple
I know some people who keep their fire in their relationship and they love each other very peacefully. No cheating at all, and they respect their relationship so much. They give all their heart, their feeling, their life completely just to be a soulmate to each other.

Second,
I also know some people who truly in love with each other. They know their partner now is gonna be their future. They respect their relationship, but sometimes they have a lil bit 'naughty' inside.
I realize that people can feel bored or lose their feeling to their partner. So, maybe they had some cheating but just a lil. They know their priority and their limit of the game. My friends, they already married now. So, i think they are settle down now, and they know / commit to their own heart not gonna do that anymore. Cos their time and their life is for their real partner now.

Third,
Some people are not really know what are they doing now. They have a relationship with their partner, but no real direction ahead. Maybe they just think, if we can go on, its okay, so just lets see. While like that, they don't feel really committed to their partner. So, they just can go cheating or have affair behind each other. I don't need to explain too much, i think you all got my meaning.

Well, I don't say that i am very holy or what. We all hope (or maybe not all) that we are the first couple above. But that things i describe above just scared me. Scared to realize the fact of this crazy world. And i hope Hun and i gonna keep our love, our heart completely for each other. Not gonna cheat even just a very very lil. Just believe our love, and trust this relationship.

April Story

Someone is telling me that he's gonna settle down.

For me, 'settle down' is something quite bombastic word to describe someone's change. It seems so extreme, like change direction from north to south, or west to east. When i heard about that word, i think about someone who wants to get married, maybe he/she had a crazy life before, then they left all their past behind and start a new life to build a family with his partner.

But in his mind, even he is not gonna married in the near future, he is going to settle down. Which means that he'll gonna concern more for his relationship. He's not gonna left all his life behind -like in my bombastic mind when i heard that word-. But he is trying to balance and make a clear priority. That he's gonna value his relationship more.

Maybe he's not going from north to south directly, but to southeast or southwest. What i called it in my dictionary? Hmm.. maybe being a lil more serious, more committed to their relationship? Whatever. I already got the main point of his thinking.

And that was my Hun...

I was a lil bit upset before when we had an argue. Feeling so sad for our fighting, also for our argue's topic. And i don't think that Hun is going to say like that. Actually i feel very happy. So glad. Not just an ordinary glad i ever wrote here before. Maybe this feeling is called feeling safe and secure.

I appreciate so much this Hun's confession. Thank you for thinking, considering, and deciding this thing. I feel a lil upset before, but i consider and realize that when you already decide, it means you are really sure with what are you doing. A single-processor boy with so many things in his head and he is trying to do his best. Not only for me. But he also need to value other people beside him. I don't want to imprison ourself. I still want Hun or me doing our things. I still want him can express his life. Cos that's why i fell in love with him. But after he said like that, i'm sure now even he is doing his things, sure he knows what is he doing

Today is Palm Sunday and we went to the church together.

For us, these days we also note about Qing-Ming day. It's a chinese culture, a month to remember our family who already passed away. I helped Hun to do a pray for his family today. Hard to desctibe my feeling, but clear i know i feel good to do that. Moreover, i am happy that Hun allow me to do that. Allow me to know and pray for his mom, his dad, and his brother.

I'm praying for our relationship. To be blessed. To be reminded to value each other effort, and we're not gonna stop to learn or understand each other.

Thanks God for today.